tirsdag den 4. januar 2011

The Wise man says: "All people not riding MZ’s are wimps, who deserve to be shot at dawn"

During 2011 a series of events will make up the MZ challenge 2011. The events will comprise of the most extreme road burning antics ever seen, all done aboard the unapproachable machines built by the now semi-defunct East German motorcycle maker MZ. In order to launch the concept we have the pleasure of introducing the famed motorcycle scribe Willy Schießeisen, who has a very close relationship with the MZ brand.

Ride a MZ, or the Zombies will get you!

By Willy Schießeisen

Exiting the Parabolica corner at the Monza racing circuit on my 1973 MZ TS 150, clipping the apex while slowly opening the throttle with both Mitas-tyres in a controlled drift and reeling in a couple of asthmatic Ducati 1198R’s, I again understand the truth: If you want to succeed as a high class modern racer, track or road, there is only one machine truly fit for the job, and I am riding it. Sure, some people scoff at the idea that a 150 cc East German motorcycle could represent the absolute pinnacle of sports riding, but I am here to tell you that such is the truth. Having had the pleasure of riding almost any imaginable modern high performance motorcycle, from run of the mill Suzuki GSX-R’s, Kawasaki ZX-R’s to exotica like the Ducati Desmodici and the Britten V1000, It is dawning on me that none of them had the razor like handling, nosebleed inducing brakes or arm stretching power of the MZ.

Eat your Heart out Ducati!

Why then, are MZ’s no longer produced and 1000 cc motorcycles spewed from all the major brands? Easy! Because most people are dickless wimps with as little riding skill as chances of getting laid. Having a big powerful motorcycle used to be a secure way to bag the finest ladies, and that is still the norm if you are riding a MZ, but recent research shows that no rider of a so-called “modern” sports motorcycle has ever had sex with anybody, except domestic animals. Dressing up like Ricky Racer and farting around with your slow friends on Yamaha R1’s or Aprilia RSV4’s might get you a kiss on the cheek from Dame Edna. Hot blooded Latinas and sleek blondes will still treat you as the leper you are and leave you isolated, sad and alone, watching Notting Hill reruns for the rest of your life. It could be different though! All participants in the upcoming MZ Challenge 2011 are dating multiple bikini models, Miss South America or the like, all of them with the added benefit of Mensa-memberships. This is of course out of reach if you insist on being the King of über slow on your Ducati 1198S, but there is a chance for a better life.

MZ’s are expensive (If you’re short on Ost-Mark) and require brains and brawn to master and keep in top fettle. Owning and riding such a no holds barred sport motorcycle as the 150 cc MZ is not a game for everybody, and my advice to most is to keep clear. 99 percent of the human population does not possess the skills, nor the balls, to ride something as ridiculously fast, scary and high tech as a well sorted MZ.

Of course the MZ does have some contemporary challengers to the role as the world’s meanest piece of trackday kit. The Vincent Black Shadow, BMW SS1000R or Ducati 916 are normally pitched against the MZ, but such attempts at comparing gung-ho high speed MZ-mayhem with commuters and bikes best suited for delivering lukewarm Pizza’s, is of course a waste of time. If you are part of the “Wimps of all ages”- movement, then the civil manners, soft suspensions and predictable power curves of the “Super Bikes” will match your lameness perfectly, as you bimble down to the grocery shop for some vegetables for your make-believe wife. I Say NO! If you want to risk your head snapping clean off when you jerk open the throttle, risk having such a cool life that the world will come down the day you die, then the choice is easy, MZ or die!

Of course, like owners of Honda Fireblades or KTM RC8’s know no contemporary bike is ready to compete of the bat, you have to customize your bike and be willing to pay good money to get your bike right to the ragged performance edge. While lameduck riders spend their lowly wages from their, just as lame, jobs on titanium Akrapovich-exhaust systems or Öhlins suspension, the always well-off MZ owners have an easier time. From the get go the MZ’s are highly adjustable with an almost endless scope for homing in on the perfect trackday setup. Turn the already trackready handlebars down for a merciless racing position, only fit for athletes and true racers. Adjust the preload of the ingenious rear suspension with a twist of a handle, unfold the additional rearsets for an almost prone riding position and brim the tank with the finest premix available and the Isle of Man TT or any MotoGP will be a walk in the park.

Ahh the sweet smell of expensive full synthetic twostroke oil being burnt and pumped through the chrome racing exhaust of an MZ! Of course fourstrokes are now all the rage and not many of the wimp-brigade would like to get on a stinkwheel these days. And why should they? Their fourstroke moto-cicles remind them of their glamorous day jobs, spend transporting manure from A to B mounted on their beloved Massey Ferguson tractors. With a chitti-chitti bang the gutless fourstrokes potter down the road, making all the wrong sounds and smells. Get a proper bike will Ya! A man who gets on a bike shivering with fear of the possibility of encountering a corner, or (oh dread!) speeds above 30 mph should of course stay home and wait for the grim reaper, to end whatever he calls a life

To sum it up: If you want to be a successful top level racer, or just a successful human being, there is only one possibility, ride an MZ, and think hard about joining the MZ challenge 2011. I dare you to leave your rotting corpse of a life behind and start all over on this magnificent adventure!

"No contest Vale, get a MZ!"

Not all are welcome, we sent Valentino Rossi away because of his slow and haphazard riding skills, but those who make it, will make it big. Speed, money and women, all is ensured for the MZ challenge rider! Most of us will probably die doing this, but unlike the normal wimp, we will go down with blondes screaming our names, our MZ’s chasing the red line and with a sure entry ticket to Valhalla. There we will forever ride our fire breathing machines and laugh at all men, who spend their pitiful lives riding wobbly threewheeled slow-mobiles, while we rode with the gods on the most powerful and advanced machine ever known to mankind: MZ!

Yours Sincerely

Willy Schießeisen

While Willy is a strong supporter of both the MZ motorcycles and the upcoming MZ-challenge 2011, his opinions are not representative of ours and only reflect his own personal views and values.

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